Passing the buck and passing the budget

The Saipan Tribune has a counter on its front page: xx days without a government budget for FY 2009. (Click on the picture of the front page in the online edition.)

Does anyone care any more?

I've enjoyed the online Marianas Variety more since they added a 'comments' feature, though there are only a dozen or so regular users. One thing I've noticed in the last 60 days is no one comments on the budget stories; okay Friday has an exception, just to prove the rule.

Is the budget too complicated? Are people burned out because the budget is never passed on time?

People complain about crime, and about soft sentencing, but not about the Attorney General's inability to attract enough prosecutors to avoid plea bargains. Should there be enough textbooks for all of the schoolkids? How about money to keep skilled medical professionals? The list is long.

How about jobs? That should get someone's attention. There's no way departments can take a ten percent cut without reducing employment. This is an election year, of course, so the actual decisions (and blame) will apparently be foisted on the Governor-- and the Legislature will only take an 8.7 percent cut.

And how absurd is it?

I've been having a hard time writing about Saipan lately.

It's just that things have gotten so absurd that it isn't funny. Except that it is. I can picture some late-night comedian saying "it's so ridiculous that...."

The Governor proclaims a State of Emergency because the Power Plant may blow up.

The U.S. Congress adds a special 'CNMI only' labor category because the local government says existing rules will Osterize our economy-- and the Governor wants to sue because no other U.S. jurisdiction has to put up with these onerous requirements.

The closed-door meeting to push for his suit has to be postponed because of a power outage.

The public is brought into the discussion when the Governor posts his talking points on You Tube.

My son asks me if it's true that the (new) Public Utility Commission is to blame for our power problems as the Governor claims.

The Commonwealth Utilities Corporation has more liabilities than assets but the Legislature wants to require a minimum bid for privatization.

Questionable hiring practices have plagued CUC, but the Legislature wants to ensure jobs are "protected" during privatization.

There's no money in the budget for retirement contributions but the Retirement Fund is being asked to risk its dwindling reserves investing in CUC.

The government is bloated (also see retirement contributions) but is trying to argue that there just aren't enough local workers to staff private businesses.

CUC keeps promising to train local workers this time if they just get another extension to hire contract workers.

The Northern Marianas College's director for institutional advancement moves over to shaky private Emmanuel College.

That's just off the top of my head. Now, what did I miss?

Sarcasm is its own reward

Well, the response to my State of the Commonwealth Sarcasm Contest was underwhelming. Maybe I needed better prizes, but after the walkathon and some class's trip to Petaluma, businesses just weren't in a giving mood.

Quality we got, albeit anonymously. Drumroll please:

First Ever Sarcasm winner is "No need to waste money on a meeting. Have everybody turn on their government cell phones and make it a Conference Call."

Which is only a winner because the Legislature was not eligible (I didn't tell you all of the rules). According to the Saipan Tribune, "As a compromise, the House included a provision in its resolution that no public funds should be spent to pay for excess power consumption, equipment rentals, and transportation, as well as personnel costs, before, during and after the event." Kind of like CUC, I guess. Passing a Resolution will Make It So.

Second Ever "Sarcasm" Award winner: "Have the State of the Commonwealth in the Fiesta Mall. We can have the boys from Tanapag throw rolls of quarters at Legislative cars instead of throwing rocks at tour buses."

Special Merit Award to Glen who placed the magic ""s wherever there was a "you". "It's all about them isn't it?"

Another argument against evolution: The Old Testament is written with a vocabulary of about 5,800 words. The New Testament, about 4,800.

Capitol letter

Well, then. This started out as an email to the Marianas Variety and Saipan Tribune-- the first three sentences anyway. I was debating whether to send it when the power went out for six of the last seven hours. That's a long stew on the slow cooker; now it's best in an obscure blog. I think you'll agree.

Dear Leaders:

We already know the State of the Commonwealth. Show us the Legislature does by having your ceremony on a public lawn. You've already got the tables and tents.

Just think, your names will be plastered all over the place. There might be some disagreement about who gets featured at the head tables that will be in all of the pictures, but statesmen like you can solve petty problems like that.

You might need a generator if there's no power, or if the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation cuts you off. Otherwise it costs nothing. Don't worry about pupus, we can eat cake.

In your invitation, please ask the Governor to have all of his Department and Agency Heads and Board Members stand so the crowd can acknowledge them. Your tribute could be a moment of silence.

s/

Bonus feature

Because we're blogged down and not in the newspaper, we can have the First Ever Sarcasm Contest. The letter got choked up with all of the “”'s I put around words to show I was Just Kidding. So I pulled them. Now you can earn fame and glory by putting them back.

Just “list” the words in this piece that should have “” around them. With all of the pilfering going around these days, your comments will surely be plagiarized (and why not), so feel free to drop an email to sosaipan@yahoo.com. If you wish to remain anonymous, the Subject of your email should be the Secret Code 'nonynonynony'. No Nigerian bank clerks, please.

All finalists will offered a job When I Get Elected. As a tiebreaker, include your very own Sarcastic Suggestion. The good ones from the emails will be featured, unless they're so disgusting I won't even cut-and-paste them.

You might earn a persona non grata unless you're anonymous. That's your problem, and probably a disqualification anyway. No worries, mate. You'd still qualify for the Second Ever “Sarcasm” Award as soon as I figure out who to name it after.

The silly season

Now why on earth would I put Paul Wolfowitz in a blog about Saipan?

For starters, I've been saving his mosque picture for ages and he's about to become old news (until he gets his Medal of Freedom). I guess his girlfriend doesn't mend socks.

Indeed, a person who got his job because of connections and used that position to push his, umm, acquaintances into power. Bono was at least as qualified.

Reset OK, that's not it. I've been thinking that maybe the anti-federalist, anti-imperialist, anti-activist crowd was right all along. Dump the U.S. Then we can go begging to the World Bank (which has nothing to do with the U.S.) for a bailout. They would then proceed to force our government into all of the painful cost-cutting steps it is unable and unwilling to take.

Because they just don't get it. The elections are the only thing on everyone's mind and the chance to make rational cuts has passed. The Legislature and the Judiciary are crying and refusing to take a hit. (In passing, why is it those branches pay higher salaries than the Executive for the same work?) The Mayor would rather cut services so his bloated staff can remain sitting in the office. This is not rocket science, folks. If three quarters of your budget goes for personnel, you have to downsize when the money runs out. Reduction in force 'if necessary' indeed.

Reset So let's step back in time to when the budget was a similar size and set the government workforce to a similar level. That's a surefire votegetter.

Island dreams I read the news today, oh boy. Actually, it was cable; who reads these days? A woman was saying the Senate should cut gas prices. Cute, but it's the silly season so she's bound to get a taker. Maybe the guy who thinks the solution is to go out and tax all of those businesses who are making too much money.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are. -- Larry the Cable Guy